AutoX Humor

[Wayne Cox]

AutoCross humor from the local club's mailing list...

SAN BERNADINO, CALIFORNIA
by Tony Payne
Pylon lovers are vowing to protest an upcoming gathering of the California
Sports Car Club. Members of the radical group People for the Ethical
Treatment of Cones have received a permit from the San Bernadino Police
Department to picket the upcoming event where automotive enthusiasts, many
with high-powered sports cars, will participate in a barbaric sport known as
autocross.

According to the Sports Car Club of America, autocross -- also known as
SoloII -- is a "driving skill contest that emphasizes the driver's ability
and the car's handling characteristics. This is accomplished by driving a
course that is designated by traffic cones on a low hazard location, such as
a parking lot or inactive airstrip."

However, according to People for the Ethical Treatment of Cones -- more
commonly known as PETC -- autocross is really little more than an excuse to
abuse hapless pylons.

According to Steve Ekstrand, the President of PETC, cones are often placed
right in the expected path of the competing cars.

"Many times, I've seen cones become lodged within the suspension of a car.
Never have I seen a single cone receive treatment. New cones are kept
available, and displaced pylons are replaced as if they are commodities.
It's disgusting."

Ekstrand has recently become the focus of fury within his organization when
it became public knowledge that he keeps in his backyard a 1969 Plymouth
Barracuda. "Imagine if the President of PETA had a cat-skinning machine in
her backyard," said a high-ranking officer in the PETC organization who
requested anonymity.

In his defense, Ekstrand points out that the Barracuda is in perfect
operating condition and that he pretends it is half-disassembled in order to
avoid the temptation to partake in the barbaric rituals.

Ken Motonishi, an avid participant in Los Angeles-area autocrosses, brushed
off the threat of cone-nappings. "Every time I crush an innocent pylon, I
can't help but feel a little guilty. I can't see the problem with a course
without cones. It can't do anything but help my scores."

Members of PETC point out that Motonishi is among the worst of the abusers.
In fact, Motonishi is often referred to with the middle-moniker "Cone" in
reference to his tendency to demolish stationary pylons.

"He may say he feels bad about his actions. But why does he continue to kill
every chance he gets?" queried one angry protester. "Even worse, he has
started training more cone abusers. At the last event, he convinced one of
his students to smash 8 cones -- in one run!"

With the number of autocross participants sharply on the rise in Southern
California, PETC has begun the process of having pylons named an endangered
species. Only time will tell if the conus traficus will survive this assault
on its livelihood.

For more information on the fight to save the pylon, visit
http://animation.filmtv.ucla.edu/students/awinfrey/coneindex.htm

   -WC